Embedding

Travel planted seeds within me.

From a limited perspective travel comes off as a time of collecting experiences. Like a journey of seeking out things. Find myself. Go to this place. See the world. Check off boxes. I collected photos and then smattered them all over social media. I saw this famous building and ate that food. Look, see? I do things. I did the things. I followed the little map and even documented it! 

While this is an inevitable part of travel, it’s ultimately futile. It results in emptiness. A failed attempt to garner some sort of fulfillment by doing the things. There is very little satisfaction in having done things. When you get on the plane you don’t take any of those things with you. They are as real as a hazy memory.

But we are not human doings, that is not what our nature was derived to come be. We are human beings. Travel became a way of being different in the world. 

I’m not drawing these conclusions to seem like I did anything noble or brave or to stand out from the basic tourist. I simply think they are deeply important lessons that I hope to apply moving forward in my life, and might spark insight in others as well. If you feel called to travel, absolutely get up and go.

So what did travel do for me? 

I reflected greatly on my privledge. American white girl with a financially stable family. Extreme privledge check in the face of poverty and inaccessibility - and I didn’t even touch the surface. But at least I learned something, and now when I look in the mirror and look into my own eyes I think of the others who I spoke with abroad with such different lives and honor them. The selfish materialism I practice is being sloughed away by this shift in perspective. I thank god every day for what I have. My home is a bubble. We don’t understand a lot - I still don't. My ignorance was a gut punch as I realized how small I was and how much information I have been uneducated about. Many things I’ve been taught are not how it is.  I am ultimately quite uneducated for a woman hungry for knowledge with a bachelor's degree. The world is much bigger than I could ever imagine. Yes - how cliched, but imperative to understand. This shock felt huge yet it came from a still limited perspective of only visiting 2 other countries. 

It is important to be around people who are different from you. In a bubble we are so closed minded. Our tunnel vision is developed into deep seeded belief systems that steer our lives away from curiosity and steal potential from us. I have learned a wealth of knowledge being among other types of people that think differently than me. A disagreement or difference in thought can be so many things; the breeding grounds for understanding my values better than I ever had before, an opportunity to listen more carefully than crafting your response in wait, a reflection upon how nature and nurture has led each of us to this conversation, a moment to appreciate how the structure of different languages can make us identify with mental illness or see it as a passing state. In honoring differing opinions we can be wrong and find appreciation for that experience rather than being threatened by it. So much to learn.

I realized more privilege in our native language being English. In other countries English is a required class and yet foreign language education in the states is more of an optional cultural endeavor. Portuguese children start learning English in second grade. As an American I’ve barely noticed any systematic attempt to encourage us to expand our ability to connect with and learn about cultures and people outside of our bubble. Even when this education was offered it still seemed to display an optional essence and left an impression on me that foreigners were ‘other’ to us. I hope this is not everyone’s experience in the school system but it was mine. Actually sharing space with these people - sitting around dining room tables - I recognized how rich it is to understand different world experiences and how lucky I am to be able to travel and communicate abroad so easily. A luxury. Truly.

I couldn’t have security and fully explore the world beyond mine, so I left. I chose discomfort. Unknown. I bought a one way ticket to India and left a life that felt safe and comfortable. This was terrifying, yet it was critical in understanding the limitlessness that life holds. Fortunately for me I have the privilege of a supportive family and a stable upbringing so I have many options yet at the end of the day you can choose a lot more than your current reality. Choosing what you know feels safe but really only leaves you not knowing. In this time of my life I am honoring education and exploration (as in personal experimentation and utilizing experience to understand things). My 20s are sacred and I am treating them as such. We lack a rite of passage or recognition of certain stages of life. The 20s are now seen as time to put down roots and while this encourages safety and security it is ripping away an opportunity to honor what this time of life could offer. How much are you learning by staying the same? Staying safe? Repeating the cycle of yesterday again and again. The pipeline we are sent down from a young age of formal education, more formal education, 9-5, marriage, mortgage, and retirement does not have to be your reality. If you want that then go for it but at least make some stops along the way and see what other types of life feel like before you make an uneducated decision. Uneducated as in not having the experimental data to know something for yourself rather just taking someone else’s word for it or listening to success statistics defined by a robot. In letting fear keep you frozen in place. That is a fucking bummer. Fear is temporary. Actionable change can alter your entire existence. 

Essentially keep asking questions and tasting the unknown. This doesn’t have to be an extreme change (although I do recommend trying that out). It could literally be engaging a stranger in a kind conversation or letting yourself cry in front of people and not apologizing. Just try something different for god's sake. Or really your own sake I guess.

You can do anything, but you can’t do everything. This is something my dad had taught me since I was small and I’ve only started to understand it as I truly make my own decisions and lead my own life. There is so much to do and see and experience but time is limited. Learn what you value and choose accordingly. Recognize what you want this time in your life to look like and embody it. Every day we choose the path we create by putting energy into that path. Choosing differently than you have before definitely takes some extra effort but can expand your world beyond what you could ever imagine. Dream big, fear can actually be an indicator that you’re doing something right. 

You are never alone. Doesn’t matter if you don’t know anyone and are stumbling through a foreign jungle - there will be someone you can ask for help. As you rely on others and lean on strangers the world becomes much less scary. Ram Dass talks about how we are all walking each other home and I think this truth hits even harder among streangers who become friends with a simple gesture of vulnerability. I was terrified to travel solo but it is only in being alone that I expanded myself so greatly. And learn how many wonderful people there are out in the world. Open your heart.

Triggers are gonna hit harder. My distress tolerance hit the ground as I waded into foreign waters and the culture shock rocked me. I found unhealthy habits coming out of dusty ass wood works and coping mechanisms I thought I’d left behind. Wow what an opportunity to reflect on your attachment style and assess your ability to fall back on supportive structures you’ve built. I was humbled and pleasantly surprised at how this surfaced for me. Tears are shed and it doesn’t feel very ceremonial. Unless you make it such. Most of life is what you make of it. Perspective can change an experience completely. Building the mental strength to shift your own perspective is one of the most powerful things you can do for yourself. Then choosing a different action that the unhelpful coping mechanism? Even better. 

Trust and faith is the language of the universe. Now hang with me here - sometimes these words can be triggering and lead to a lot of skepticism - try to keep an open mind. When I put my trust in the universe and surrender, everything feels as it should be. I’m less afraid and more accepting of whatever circumstances are served to me. Not easy mind you. Yet it feels true, inevitable, the only way it could’ve been. The path becomes divine however it unfolds. Developing this requires embracing unpleasant experiences as things that were purely meant to come to me. This can be a hard pill to swallow but is what I’d consider the closest I’ve come to freedom. Not being chained to seeking out good or easy or comfortable consistency and resisting any discomfort or negative experiences. Steeping some sort of meaning from even the most painful experiences. In my studies on mediation, yoga and spirituality, this is one of the most important things I come back to. Equanimity. Neutrality, while allowing myself to be held in the arms of trust and surrender. No matter how this next step falls into place I am exactly where I need to be. This is a mindset you must teach yourself over and over for it to become the way you exist. If it is pouring rain then let me appreciate the rain, if it is sun shining in the sky then let me appreciate the sun. Life is a gift, depending on how you choose to utilize it. A hard skill to develop but again - this is freedom to me. This is peace.

Impermanence is stamped in black ink on every experience you have while traveling. This could be the last time. The last time that I’m in this city, I see this person, eat this food, smell this flavor of breeze. You will say goodbye to people, places and things so much more often than you’re used to. This practice of cherishing and letting go is an old age tool. Meditating on the thought of being on my death bed was a practice I had for some time, but this level of impermanence was in my face - embedded in my every day experience. It colored vibrancy into each and every step I took, each bite, each moment of eye contact… priceless. Nothing can bring me closer to life than the recognition of death. Not in a morbid way but in a grateful way. Life is a gift - never promised a moment past now. 

Sometimes (most of the time) you just wont know. Where you’re going next, what will happen, how someone might respond to you. How could you possibly read the future silly? Is it because your life has been so planned out and set in stone before you that you’ve gotten cozy with the idea that you will be able to expect what happens next? What an impossible expectation to hold on to (I state in hypocrisy as I do this often). Today I think about the next five years of my life, imagining I can plan and prepare and control the circumstances. Realistically there are few things actually in my control and a whole lot that will pan out differently than I could ever imagine. If I really want to make something happen I can absolutely take actionable steps towards it today, but tomorrow might be very different. Making room for that to flow on its own can be the difference between suffering a white knuckle grip of a false sense of control and finding peace in a deep breath while letting go. This doesn’t mean you should completely give up on everything all willy nilly - there’s a balance to it (but we have a tendency to be leaning forward into the next moments as if we can calculate the next couple years now). 

We like to think in black and white, a common cognitive distortion that leaves us feeling fearful and resistant. Bad or good, negative or positive, dark or light, strong or gentle, hard or soft, scary or brave. Life exists in the grey area between these polarities, but with our human condition, our limited language and education, we tend to label things and box them up into neat little categories. Finding both sides in everything is another step away from eternal suffering and towards the reality of life. Find the kernel of light in the consuming darkness (choose to find it). Recognize the pin prick of darkness in the flooding light (humble this experience). The closer you can come to acknowledging this truth the less jarring and soul crushing it will be when it is revealed to you later on. Garner hope in the fear and honor the impermanence in the glory.

The entire spectrum of experience and feelings is likely to come your way throughout life. It is what you do with all of this gunk that decides how things play out. You can wreck your body with stress and strain trying to resist unpleasant experiences and feverently seeking out pleasurable ones. How’s that working out for you?

It wasn’t going well for me. My body was designed to explore, jaunt, frolic, fall down, scrape my knees, bloody my knuckles and crawl back to my feet. I was made to move and learn and meet. In stepping up to embrace life in traveling I have felt a trickle of change rolling through me. Integration takes time, especially when the ground beneath you is constantly changing in the heat of exploring the world. These seeds have just started to take root, embedded in my body, mind, soul and spirit. As I sit on the plane, heading back home to something I know, I will meet it differently this time. What a pleasure it’s been. So I invite you to try going and doing something else. And try to be gentle with yourself as you move through it. Trust.

With love,

A vessel through which the divine may shine