Should I even put this on the internet

Being open and honest on the internet is generally more terrifying and resulting in self doubt than it is self affirming and leaving me with confidence. 

Fortunately I know that doing scary things is good for my brain, body and soul so I continue to show up, but damn is this shit hard.

Judgement is everywhere, and while I know that people's judgements of me are just projections of inner judgements they hold against themselves, I am still deeply afraid to put myself on a platter to be criticized. 

So I’m careful about what I share, I edit posts relentlessly and make changes in consideration to the different eyes that will potentially see this. But I would rather not filter myself, so today I am hoping to step outside my comfort zone.

I am in the beginning stages of starting a business. Obviously everyone wants to work for themselves, and as I have grown up knowing I want to help people, I have explored many different options of how to approach that in a work setting. I think being able to bring a wide variety of healing modalities in a way that I find to be the most synchronous is my jam. As I work to build a foundation for this, I have found that trying to start a business or even just an online presence, is really hard.

I have struggled deeply with not thinking anyone could possibly want me as a coach, or to get advice from. This self limiting belief is absolutely getting in my way, but it wont leave me alone. I feel like an imposter saying things like ‘let me know if you or anyone you know would like a coaching session!’. Like I feel dumb. Unfortunately what I’m learning is that that is just part of the process. Signing up to fail, and not be seen or wanted, and perhaps putting too much weight or my own perspective into that causes a lot of strife in my heart.

But then I show up another day, after not having anyone give a shit about what I have to offer, just to offer more. I think because I know this is my path and that it will not be easy I feel inclined to continue coming back - yet this sucks. Like seriously. I’m not asking for pity here, I’m just sharing what it’s like to hit roadblocks when trying to achieve a dream. The dream seeking is a rocky fucking obstacle course. I think this is not talked about nearly enough, or it is usually sugar coated. I felt the need to come here and be blunt and honest and share what it really is like being behind this screen.

Fortunately, each time I do come back and put myself out there, I gain a little bit more of a ‘so what’ attitude. I give a little less of a fuck. So no one wants me to be their coach yet - that’s fine! Keep working hard and the work will pay off. I don’t even have the full spectrum of resources I want yet to show up as a helpful coach (a limiting belief again but one that brings me some comfort) and I still have a full time job so how could I possibly have clients anyway (yet I know if I had the opportunity I could make it work).

Going forward I am hoping to continue being open and honest, bearing my soul, and being okay with the fact that this might look a little strange to some people. I think we could all benefit from having open and honest conversation, especially in a world where I fake and surface level take over often. So if for nothing else, let this be an example that it’s okay to be messy and say weird kinda sad shit, and do it in the eyes of others. The true ones will stay, and the more authentic you can show up with the messy stuff, the more people will know you can hold space for theirs as well. 

With gratitude and fear and uncertainty and hope, may you go forward with your dreams and face feelings like this with courage and self love,

Madora