Avoidance
I’d like to say that I live a pretty balanced lifestyle. If you know me my routine and self care are vital parts of my life.
I’m proud of the regular practices I have been able to cultivate - yoga, journaling, meditation, reading, writing, etc. I wake up an hour or so early in the morning to read from my books and journal, sometimes make time to stretch, and drink some water and tea. I’d say my routine is pretty healthy.
Yet for the month of august I have not been meeting the standard I have set for myself. I’ve barely made progress in my books, I’ve not been journaling basically at all, I’ve done yoga twice, and my self care overall has taken a turn for the worst.
I’d like to utilize this blog post to frame this experience as a learning moment. My first instinct as I got on the mat today to practice yoga (with Adrienne - my favorite teacher on youtube), I noticed my thoughts immediately turned to self judgment and criticism. My body felt achy and out of practice and I chastised myself for not keeping up with my practice. At that moment I reflected on a conversation I had with a friend yesterday about how I had been avoiding all these things for some time. August was surely busy for me yet I know I could’ve made time to invest in myself, so why didn't I?
To be honest, I still don’t know. I believe it stems from fear of some sort and a lack of reflecting on my values. I wasn’t thinking about my values for the last month, I was mainly focused on soaking up the end of my adventure here, dialing into work, and just putting aside what’s important to me for easier pleasures like watching movies, sitting on my phone, or being disengaged in general. When I don’t keep my values in mind, they slip away from my everyday life and it becomes hard to keep up with the daily actions that keep me in touch with them. The fear I believe is harder to pinpoint and might be rooted in the vulnerability and openness that comes with all these practices. Sometimes sitting for a yoga practice is daunting because of all the feelings welling up inside me that I know will come up and I’ll have to reflect on.
Regardless, instead of dwelling too hard on why it didn’t happen (which is important and helpful information to learn but might not be the lesson I am learning right now, yet I’m sure it will happen again), I want to focus on what it feels like to come out of that slump.
This morning I woke up and realized it is september. This month I will be turning 24 which is daunting and exciting at the same time. When a new month comes along I like to take it as an opportunity to clean the slate and start fresh again. So I got up, grabbed my yoga mat, and stepped outside to practice some morning yoga with Adrienne. My recent neglect came up in my mind and I paused to observe it. The judgment, the disappointment, the self hatred that came up was not pretty, yet a part of me all the same as the supportive, loving, accepting nature I have as well.
How I met myself in that moment of reflection mattered. I focused on how I cannot change what has happened, and that it can either be a learning moment or something I let tear me down (radical acceptance and CBT reframing). This is an active change as I choose to mold it into a learning opportunity by writing about it. I focused on the insights it could provide me into my journey and what I still want to work on - because the work is never truly done. It was an opportunity to reflect on what I valued - the only reason I was having such adverse feelings is because I care deeply about my practices and was upset at my regression. I value my self care and want to take aligned action to live more in tune. I recognized the balanced nature of it all, how there will always be peaks and valleys and perhaps I needed this valley before stepping up to the potential peak of September where I am dedicating my time and energy to self healing. Perhaps it was a required flow of energy down to come back up.
Whatever it is, whatever pain and disappointment and judgment being held against myself, I can reshape it into something helpful. I can find the silver lining if I so choose. It takes forgiveness and grace - two aspects of life I am learning to hold with myself - difficult things to practice yet incredibly worth it at the end of the day when chosen.
So maybe this post is about finding some grace and forgiveness with yourself and what that looks like for me. As well as providing yourself the space to reflect on those negative internal feelings. A safe space. Where judgment and hatred and negativity are allowed to show up. Not meeting them with anger and resentment, but kindness and curiosity instead. For me that is my yoga mat and my writing.
This is where my healing journey and practices have brought me. The ability to self reflect, find love, create meaning, and move forward. To not dwell on the pain but use it as a catalyst to push me back towards what I value and care about. I would not have these insights without all the ups and downs I have faced in my past.
Thank you for joining me for this reflection. I think it lacks the structure I try to create in these posts but today is a day for raw vulnerability, so I hope you can find that too. And thank you to the people in my life who help me dive into these feelings and reflect on what is. I appreciate you all more than you know.
I invite you to tap in to what you are judging or holding against yourself and find the why. What insights can you gain if you open your mind? What lessons are you potentially learning right now? How can you practice being kind and forgiving to yourself? What safe space can you create for that to happen so that you can do it with intention and love in mind? What self care practices could you cultivate?
With deep gratitude, I leave you in love and light,
Paige
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