Respond vs. React

No matter what we do, where we go, or who we become we will always have to make choices. Some decisions  will be very difficult and you may struggle with how to proceed. The key to the decision is how you choose to face it. How do you show up? How do you act, speak, think, listen, decide when the difficult things come up and it’s time to make choices. Are you acting according to what you value, or are you acting out of impulse or habit?

You are your choices. Therefore I advise approaching choices with some thought, maybe some intention, and if you’re lucky even some guidance from an inner intuition. 

When a choice comes up we have a few different channels that we either react or respond with:

One thing that impacts us when faced with a choice is our brain chemistry. There’s plenty of data that shows our brain chemistry can influence our choices and vice versa. When faced with a stressor you may meet it with different reactions and responses. A reaction might come first such as the amygdala recognizing danger and pumping fight or flight hormones into your body. This may result in a mass release of cortisol and adrenaline - our stress hormones. What instinctive message our brain chemistry sends out influences our feelings and our physiological response. It can be helpful to listen to reactive feelings so you can receive and reflect on those messages to then respond in a productive and helpful way. You might recognize the danger isn’t real and choose to respond by taking deep breaths, reducing stress hormones and signaling safety. Or you could think there is an actual threat and choose to fight - increasing adrenaline to prep the body to defend itself. These choices send messages back to the brain to influence the next thing we feel or choose to do.

We are also met with many different thoughts when facing a decision. Our thoughts can be very complex, coming to us from a multitude of sources. Some thoughts are reactive, instinctive and impulsively coming to us without much control. These reflect our second nature, our conditioned responses, the things we have been taught and parented. Other thoughts we can consciously decide to have. These thoughts are a chosen response to ourselves in our mind and often come second to those initial reactive thoughts. This is a skill some people might be completely unaware of, others may have to strengthen before they can utilize it, and some who already actively do. Responding to our thoughts can be hard when in autopilot but can be very helpful when it comes to fighting our negative self talk, irrational thoughts, or limiting internal narratives. 

Then there are our actions. Actions are constantly born of decisions (this or that) and are largely based upon the thoughts we have. Some people tend to react out of instinct, displaying conditioned responses, and might be considered impulsive. This is generally influenced by those initial reactive thoughts. Other people might choose to respond over reacting. Responding means pausing, reflecting, being calculated in how to proceed, perhaps taking careful deliberation to mull over pros and cons, making intentional choices and listening to their feelings before acting. This type of choice making is generally influenced by the response thoughts which come second to the initial reactive thoughts. Our actions will ultimately decide what happens next, and even small seemingly insignificant ones can pave the way for the rest of your life. Do you want what you care about to be part of the decision or will you let your reactive impulses steam roll you into your ingrained patterns.

As we look at the responsive versus reactive ways of living, we can see where true power over your life lies. There is very little autonomy and true choice in a reactive position. We can look at this as autopilot, going through our day without much second thought to the things we do and say. Honestly, to me, this is when life becomes boring, sad, and I feel out of control. Especially when facing difficult or traumatic situations and falling into old habits and maladaptive coping mechanisms. This may be easier to do; repeating what you know rather than make an active effort to respond. 

This alternative way of living is actively choosing to respond and can be seen as active pilot. This looks like observing the world around you, noticing and reflecting on how it makes you feel, considering the different actions you could take that will lead you to certain feelings next, and choosing intentionally. This is where the wisdom of experience can grant us power, if we so choose to use it.

Lets take an example. It’s 10:00 at night and you’ve just got done with a day at work, making dinner, and taking care of some things you need to do, but you’re finally ready to end the day. You have quite the multitude of options here. You could flop in bed and go to sleep right away without doing any night time hygiene. You could sit in bed on your phone for anywhere between half an hour to 2 hours. You could make a tea and read a few pages of a book you find interesting. Or you could continue to do work that you feel pressured to work on. 

All of these will have very different impacts on your thoughts, feelings, and future actions. They may even influence the next day - and most likely will considering what we do before going to bed sets us up for how we will sleep and feel in the coming morning. And science claims our sleep is pretty important - and not just the hours we get but how our body is able to regulate and repair itself while we catch our z’s. 

If you’re interested in setting yourself up for a successful night of rest, I advise staying off screens which prevent production of hormones in our brain that help us fall and stay asleep as well as doing any last minute project work as this will release hormones and chemicals in our brain that amp our bodies up, also making it difficult for the body to fall into it’s restorative sleep rhythms. It is also common knowledge that our bodies reflect nature's cycles and rhythms. Falling asleep around sundown (10 pm at the latest) and waking around sunrise (9 am at the latest). This is pure biology, rooted in the natural release of hormones and chemicals in our brain and body that influence us reguarly. 

So when making these choices we can reflect on our power of choice. Respond with thought and intention? Or react and follow what is easier in that moment, even if you know it won’t help you in the long run. Maybe you will give your choice a second thought, recognizing you could do something different, this at least shows you have awareness of your choice in the issue. 

A common excuse we make here is ‘I don’t have enough energy for that’. Well, the interesting paradox here is that you can make more energy for yourself by choosing the seemingly more difficult path. Maybe you feel like you don’t have the energy to get a glass of water and drink it or to read a page of your book before sleeping, but if it came down to it would you have the energy to run away from a murderer who walked into your house? Most likely I’d say yes, so what’s actually preventing you from washing your face or partaking in a nice calm night routine? 

It most likely is your reactionary nature. Moving on autopilot with thoughts and actions that feel comfortable because you know them well (old patterns die hard). Choosing to do something different, making a change, is hard! It’s counterintuitive! But could it improve our lives? Is it worth it to care for yourself a little extra and put those doubtful and resistant thoughts to the side?

In my personal experience the answer is yes. I have never been happier and more in control of my life than when I choose my truth and well being first. I’m not always holding myself accountable and doing a perfect job, I’m a human and I try to hold grace and forgiveness for myself if I don’t. But I do try to at least take stock of the impact that those active, intentional, healing choices have on the way I feel - physically, emotionally and spiritually. When I dont it feels like a personal disservice to myself, not listening to the signals my body sends me through feelings. 

Once I started making these choices I felt a natural drive to partake in them more. Ending my shower on cold became something I would look forward to. Making a tea and reading a book before bed is something I find comfort and peace in. Making healthy meal choices gives me the energy to go through my day more efficiently. Choosing to spend time alone to invest in pondering about and acting on my passion has given my life purpose. These practices were not easy to start, yet every time I lose them for a day or so I feel the repercussions. My body and mind take a dive straight into ‘I don’t feel good’. So each day I do my best because I know working hard and living a life I love that actually makes me feel good is more important to me than watching this beautiful opportunity to live pass me by on autopilot.

Thank you.