The Ebb and the Flow

It’s a common point of view that the way we experience life is not a simple straight line. We aren’t just born at point A and die at point B having had consistency and sameness our whole life. Life will never just be one thing, it will always be changing and expanding. As human beings we feel a wide range of emotions and experiences. There are many highs and lows that we go through, each coming with their own individual challenges to face and wisdom to teach. 

Some people might be quick to label these highs and lows as good and bad days, yet describing our experience as either good or bad results in labeling a worth to the experience. We are claiming that the days we struggle and get stuck in our maladaptive behaviors or our headspaces that are not supportive are ones we should avoid. We place a negative value onto them and shun them away. We look at them as outliers, mistakes, and unluckiness. We think to ourselves ‘I shouldn’t be feeling like this, why can’t I just be okay,’ and place an unrealistic expectation of being our best selves always onto ourselves. This is further pushed as an expectation when we are exposed to advertising and social media where everyone looks so happy and seems to always be celebrating something or on the up. We don’t want to experience the difficult days and when we do we have a tendency to feel as though we have failed somehow, that we are in a ‘bad place’. It becomes aversive to our brains and we look down on these moments, wishing them away.

In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) there is a commonly used term called black and white thinking. This is when we label things as extremes - something is either fully good or bad, all one way or all the other. Sometimes when we are faced with challenging days we fall into the trap of labeling our experience as bad and we are sucked into the rabbit hole of negativity, allowing our mindset, our whole day and sometimes even ourselves to be colored as bad. A goal in DBT is to see the gray area in between the black and white that more accurately represents life. Maybe this moment is difficult and you’re struggling to see the potential growth and value it holds. I’ve definitely fallen into this side of the struggle more often lately.

To embrace the dual sides of experience we can look at it from the perspective of ebb and flow. A Buddhist take on life is to imagine a river. The water in the river represents the flowing of life energy that is within all of us as we move through our experiences, learning and aging, in motion, going along with what is. The banks along the side of the river might have a tree branch sticking out or sand bars that you get stuck on as you flow along the river. You’re pulled out of the flow and might feel stuck. It could be a problem or an unhelpful mind state, and maybe you’re even resisting the flow of life. Perhaps you start to feel frustrated with yourself that you got stuck in the first place and your inner voice begins talking in the tune of judgment. 

The best place to start when we find ourselves stuck is noticing that it is normal, and quite a common part of life. Once we’ve established this there’s no need to hold our struggle against ourselves, feel like we’ve been unfairly wronged or place blame. Next we can decide if we want to hold onto the obstacle and become attached, identifying it as a part of us, or if we want to let go and return to the flow. This does not mean ignoring or forgetting about it, but rather letting it be what it was and moving on, thanking it for any lessons or insights it may offer. The more energy you give something the more it’s impact on you will live on. Choose where you place your energy and attention wisely.

In the middle of this struggle we can rely on reflecting on the growth and potential that the darker moments offer. This is an emotionally intelligent way to cope with our struggles. Emotionally intelligent people are able to find meaning and seek out value even when they are in those ‘bad’, or rather challenging, places. This can turn your mentality from making you feel like a victim (why is this happening to me, its not fair, life is horrible) to a creator in charge (this is an opportunity to grow, I can take something away from this, life is full of lessons). Sure this is not going to magically make your problems go away but life is generally a never ending to do list, and we are constantly working to find solutions to things. When was the last time your to-do list was empty or there was nothing to work on? What we can do is choose our mindset and perspective. Change the way you’re talking to yourself about the issue. Dispute the extreme language you might be using. With practice and repetition it becomes easier to favor the voice in your head that says ‘hey, this is hard right now, but I can get through it and I can get something out of it,’. 

The exercise I recommend trying with this is to write down what you are worried about today. What is causing you anxiety, what are you struggling with? What beliefs and thoughts do these problems lead you to think? Maybe start with the biggest 3 things (for example: nobody likes me, I’m lost in my career, I’m struggling to stay physically healthy, I don’t love myself) and try to dispute them with more inbetween thinking. Are you making conclusions that are in absolutes such as always, impossible or never? Are you labeling things as bad, and can you find any bits of value or insight those issues can bring to your life? Can you think of anything actionable that you can do today to work through one of these things such as moving your body, calling a loved one, or applying to a job you think you might like? 

Try to open up to the opportunity that each problem can become when you see it as a step towards a solution. Our ‘negative’ emotions are trying to tell us something, allow them to speak to you and try to start getting in touch with how they can help - if you will let them.

I hope this can bring some reflection to your day - I myself was struggling under the weight of my issues as they accumulated into an overwhelming mass and found this exercise to be a helpful way to sort and address each one. 

With deep gratitude for the opportunity to reach even just one soul,

Paige