The Underbelly

The secret side of wellness that doesn’t get talked about much is the piece of self acceptance.

The narrative to push and work hard and devote yourself and make it happen every single day is an agenda towards failure. The alternative is not acceptable. Allowing yourself to just be where you are, even if it isn’t pretty or up to the standards being set, is not a commonly acknowledged aspect.

The thing I did not anticipate on my healing journey, what really hit me like a brick wall, was when I fell off. I lost consistency, life changes slowly ate away at my routine and healthy habits. The things I depended on were no longer an option as my entire life changed. All my efforts began to slowly dissipate until I was left in the binge lifestyle of working extremely hard for a week and then going on adventures, meeting new people, and doing everything and anything I could for my free time. 

Lost were the times I would sit on my back porch and read in the mornings, no longer was my daily yoga practice which had my body and mind feeling amazing, I barely thought about what I was eating or the amount of media I was consuming. My strength, flexibility, and perseverance physically and mentally were falling by the wayside. Without my self improvement strategies I lost what I had worked so hard to build.

I began judging myself, criticizing myself, nostalgic and yearning for the days of consistency in my self care and physical wellness. I felt my body taking the brunt of the change, tired, achy, unmotivated. My mental suffering came in a different flavor of tension, resistance, and worst of all resentment towards myself for not being the person I was. 

When I started growing and healing about a year and a half ago I had thought of it as a one way trajectory, I could only go up from there. I thought the mindset I created would stay with me regardless of how I was going about my day to day life. This is an inaccuracy I have been facing these last couple months as the lack of my self care routine is weighing on me. I allowed myself to beat this new, not as strong, version of me up. I was unkind and unforgiving as I woke up with an attitude of lack each day. With a body that felt aged. With a clenched jaw and disrespect for the person I was now. 

The ugly truth that is not addressed often in the world of self improvement is the acceptance, the forgiveness, the love that you deserve to show yourself regardless of how the day or month or year went. It’s the mental game of knowing you could have been doing better, but recognizing that it is okay if you did not. It’s being able to be devoted to cultivating a better life, while also having grace for yourself when you don't show up. To let go of the past and focus on embracing the now. I fell into the trap of thinking I had to be the best version of myself always. And now I am facing the consequences of the mental suffering I subjected myself to with that mentality. 

If you’re working on yourself, start with acceptance. Start with love and kindness for where you are now, or where you might end up falling down. Acknowledge the inevitable ups and downs. This mentality of allowing, of not resisting what is, of knowing there could be better and being at peace with it not being the case could save you from self inflicted suffering. Give yourself the radical acceptance and love for your current situation that you deserve. You choose how you treat yourself. You choose how you speak to yourself. And while of course we want to show up as the greatest version of ourselves, we cannot be them all of the time. Our human nature is to ebb and flow. To reach peaks and drop into valleys. Fortunately change is inevitable. And we are all fully capable of waking up and finding something to be grateful for, if we allow ourselves to. 

Be with yourself for every step of the way. Support yourself regardless of what it might look like for you right now. Devotion to building a life of love and joy for yourself is an amazing and important thing. Just as important as accepting the version of you that isn’t showing up and having humility for them. It is your human given right as a part of nature to be loved, unrushed, and accepted. Give that to yourself as you bear the journey of self improvement.

I hope this finds you well, and if you can today, have some grace for yourself. Accept that where you are, is just where you are. And that is okay.

With gratitude and unconditional love,

Paige