What you dont see

What you don't see is the days spent in bed watching TV because anything that requires energy or effort feels impossible.

What you don’t see is the intrusive unhelpful thoughts convincing me not to take care of myself, to self sabotage. 

What you don't see is the spiraling thoughts of giving up and giving in to hedonistic desires. Overeating, binging TV, laying in bed, isolating from support, choosing in every passing moment to stay where you are and wallow in the feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness and self hatred.

What you don’t see is how quickly my mood shifted as I was smiling and laughing this morning at a farmers market to now falling fast and hard into this depressive and anxious slump.

This is an unavoidable part of living. These feelings of despair will follow you wherever you go in life. We can find ways through them, process, and come out on the other end better for it. There are solutions to those deep pits of sadness. I know I have tools and coping mechanisms to get me out of here. And still sometimes they come and stay anyway. And I let them fester, because I am human too.

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This time I am coping with the hormonal imbalance that comes with my menstrual period. I try not to blow it out of proportion and be dramatic because I know how much judgment it can be met with but it truly impacts me deeply and can turn my life in a 180 from the person I usually am to the one described above. It is something I should not be ashamed of, yet still fall into every month, feeling like a failure, like I did something wrong, or deserve the misery I am steeping in. I like to think I can expect it coming and might take precautions but it has such a grip on my wellbeing it’s been hard to remedy. Many women like me struggle deeply with the mood swings, self loathing, anger, frustration, tiredness, and general depression that come during this time. This helpless feeling often overcomes me and I make the choice to let it, thinking it is the easier route to give in. Which in some ways it is - healing and pulling yourself out of a depression is hard, but in the long run it is so deeply worth it. 

Now that I’ve laid in bed all day and finished the entire TV series I had just begun watching, I decided to do something useful, a step towards not letting my feelings get the best of me. To take care of myself I opened my writing docs and am putting my words down. Creating. Processing. I hope that this will inspire some hope in me and bring to light the situation I am in as well as help me choose to utilize a self help plan like opposite action or self affirming statements (two coping mechanisms that work well for me).

So far I have been able to identify the feeling I am dealing with right now (shame, guilt, sadness, unworthiness, self hatred) which is vital in being able to remedy it. 

I am also taking action, writing about it and making something of it rather than numbing it out like I had been for the last many hours trying not to face it.

I am telling myself I am capable of overcoming and being the version of myself that can take action, love herself, and show up in these moments with kindness and compassion. I repeat ‘I am capable’ to myself as I am writing this.

I think I will also share this. It is scary but important to be vulnerable, especially in hard times. Opening yourself up to judgment is daunting but I find each time I do it it becomes a bit less scary so, I shall lean into that discomfort today and share this with y’all. 

I am now going to move into more actionable steps, as well as hold grace for myself. Grace deserves it’s own post considering how much it has changed my life and how little I think we all hold for ourselves. It is the part in which you can forgive yourself. Notice you are a human being having a flawed experience. Chastising yourself does no good. It only increases your misery. It breeds more self hatred and repression. Grace shines light on the shortcomings and reminds you that what you choose to do next is the most important thing. That your past does not define you and you have the power to choose differently right now. That this too shall pass. That no matter what happens you are still an incredible miracle of life. And you deserve love. 

Some other things I know that will help me get out of this are getting dressed in something that makes me feel confident and bringing a book to a cozy coffee shop.

I hope this finds you in a time it can help you reflect. How do you usually respond to difficult situations? What feelings are you avoiding facing and choosing to numb out? What maladaptive coping mechanisms do you want to work on? What helpful coping skills do you have in your toolbox? How can you help yourself have a little grace through the struggle you’re facing?

Feel free to let me know if content like this is harmful or helpful. I am still finding my way and hoping to find a balance of sharing my personal experience of healing and bringing light to the harder days.

With deep gratitude and hope for light in your next dark day,

Paige